Universal Pronoun Transition

Now that my tomboy is registered and passing as male in Karate class I have decided to ask him if he’d prefer to be using male pronouns at home and with grandparents now. Basically it was just in public but not with family yet. It has been hard knowing when to use “he” and when to use “she” depending on where we are. 

He told me “yes, I want you to use male pronouns everywhere.” He then asked about the grandparents (who know about the changes) and was worried they would get confused. I explained that they were completely on board and just want whats best for him. This made him very happy and said, “yes I want them to too.” 

This is a big change. It’s saying, “it’s time to make this permanent.” It’s nerve-wracking but exciting too. I am getting used to saying ‘him’ and so is his sister. He loves when she refers to him as a boy. The next big step is how to approach going back to elementary school in the fall….

 

A Minute to Brag

I talk about my tomboy exclusively on this blog, well, because this is a blog about my tomboy. But I need to take a minute to brag about my other child I never really mention.

My oldest daughter is 11 years old and “graduated” elementary school yesterday. This is significant because:

1. She is moving on to middle school next year, thus ending her innocent elementary years.

2. I really never thought she would ever lose her adorable baby cheeks or ever get bigger than a toddler.

Now she is the same height as me, looks like a young lady, and has more confidence and sense of independence than I ever possessed as a child. Of course at her graduation assembly yesterday I cried, feeling happy and sad for how she is growing so fast. The most impressive part of the day was this:

Every year the president of the United States awards children who greatly exceed the statewide testing assessments with the president’s academic achievement award. Only a few children get this honor. My oldest received this award at the presentation! I was amazed! She was as surprised as I and I was busting with pride for her. She is so amazing. Her three best friends received this honor as well. They are a very dramatic group of girls who test my patience often but they are also the most confident and intelligent children I’ve known.

Of course they are also the “popular girls” in school. I was never this way. I was happy to be invisible and only had a few friends. I was painfully normal and looked up to girls like my daughter. I am so proud of who she is becoming. I can see her continuing to kick ass in school and in life. 

The First Step Towards a New Identity

I talked to my kiddo yesterday about karate. I wanted to know how he wants to identify gender-wise in class since he passes fully as a boy now. He said, “I want to go by Soph (his actual new name) and I want to be your son”. I took a deep breath and said, “ok”. 

This is a big deal. We have never officially made a clear distinction about his gender before in a social setting. We always just went with what people assumed he was. Now we are telling people. He doesn’t know the instructor at karate and won’t know any kids so it will be easy to go with being a boy and passing without question. 

I also realized I had to change his name (still listed with the parks and recs department as his birth name), as well as change his gender officially. This was much harder to do than I expected. I was really nervous, like palms sweating and deep breaths. I called and officially changed all his information. They were very nice and helpful. 

The biggest realization I came to was the fact that we are officially on our way to publicly changing his gender identity. There is no going back now. He is not just going to go back to a ‘she’ after this class. My biological daughter is now my son. And I will call him my son. 

It’s much easier to write ‘he’ in this blog than it is to say ‘he’ or ‘my son’ out loud. Here’s to taking a big first step into the great unknown that is gender transition. 

Gender Identity vs Expression

I know identity and expression are different. People identify as a specific gender, or non-gender, by the way they feel inside. Expression is how we express our gender on the outside. This is tough for some people to understand because our society thinks it should always match up.

So I admit I had my own opinions on this. many people I know do express their gender by how they feel, and that is typically the gender they were assigned at birth. Of course I know many other people who don’t follow the traditional gender roles.

My point is this: 

My kiddo identifies as male most of the time and usually chooses clothes that are traditionally boys clothes. We still have a few shirts and shorts that are pastel or pink from when he was still getting hand-me-downs from big sis. Once in a while he will choose the girl shirt or short because either his favorite clothes are in the wash or they are just really comfortable. 

Now that he passes as a boy in public, people are confused when they see a ‘boy’ wearing girls clothes. Ugh. why do clothes have to be so gendered?! Why does it matter? I don’t know how to react. Do I say, oh he just likes them. OR, oh she is a girl.? 

Why can’t it just be clothes.

Karate Kids

My tomboy will be taking karate lessons at the rec center this summer. Currently he is listed as female under his full name. Now we are going by a nickname that’s less gendered and he wants to be referred to a boy in public. 

My dilemma is this..

Do I change his gender and name at the rec center? Or is it too complicated and not worth the questions?

Most new people we meet think my kiddo is a boy and are confused by his feminine name. (it’s a very traditional girl’s name). He looks like a little boy in the classes and in general most people just shrug and go with it. Until now we have always clarified that my kiddo is a girl. With the increasing desire to be identified as a boy in public I am wondering what that will mean for sports and group classes now. 

How would the rec center react if I asked them to change her to a he.. I think the name change wouldn’t be a big deal since it just sounds like a nickname but I have never had to change a gender…. 

I don’t know what to do.

Feeling Insecure

Warning: I am going to complain and hope not to sound offensive or pessimistic. 

I went to the family support group last night. It was really great to hear other parents talk about their experiences with gender variant or transgender children. It affirmed my feelings about Jet and took away some confusion about the situation.

Even so, I began to realize that the majority of families involved with this group have trans-female children. Boys who identify as girls. This really shouldn’t matter. I feel awful for feeling like it does. I guess I just hoped there would be more families with girls who identified as boys. It was harder to relate to these families than I thought it would be.

There was one opinionated person who had a comment about everything, and one person who dominated the conversation. I guess there’s one of these in every group of people. I felt kind of alone.

I feel kind of like a minority within a minority. That probably sounds awful. It feels like people see a girl who looks like a boy differently than a boy who looks like a girl. It’s definitely a societal thing which does have basis in sexism but it’s not really helping my need to feel connected.

I’m sorry if I offended anyone reading. I am probably way off base. It was hard for me to go to the group and now I just don’t feel like talking to anyone.

Family Support

I’m going to a family support group tonight for adult family members of transgender and gender variant youth. I’m super nervous. I’m not so good in groups but I think it will be nice to meet other parents in similar situations. I have been finding it hard to talk to people about my family and about Jet. They get uncomfortable and mumble something about assumptions and/or not jumping to conclusions.

It’s pretty frustrating.

Needless to say, I don’t talk to people about us very often. If I do, I tend to play it down or keep it light. I’m getting overwhelmed just writing about it. Oh my tomboy chose a new name to go by, which is closer to his real name, but for anonymity’s sake I’m just going to use Jet on here. 

Transactive Playgroup

Tonight I’m taking Jet to our first play group at the program we have joined for trans and gender neutral kids. Jet is so excited! I am too. I am practicing calling him ‘my son Jet’. At home I call Jet by his real name and use female pronouns and I say things like, ‘girls, dinner is ready’. Tonight I must drop all that. I am excited to have this new experience and I know all the families there will be understanding because they are right there with us.

I am slightly nervous I guess. But not in a bad way. Just never done anything like this before. 

Making Connections

I contacted my old coworker/supervisor/good friend about getting advice on how to help Jet through these changes. I was so so nervous to contact her. She is kind of a mentor to me and I have a lot of respect and awe for her. She is so impressive and strong and I feel like I have so much to learn. I’m not easily intimidated but she definitely intimidates me, in a good way. 

So I emailed her. It took a long time to come up with a smart way to ask for help. It was hard to hit send. She has a lot of knowledge about LGBTQ issues and is in a relationship with a person who is FTM. I figure she is the best resource I have. 

I hit send and anxiously awaited her response. She didn’t respond for over a week. I was disappointed and kind of relieved to not hear from her. Then yesterday she emailed back saying she’d love to talk. Eek! I’m nervous! I emailed back saying yes I’d love to. Now I’ve got to wait for her next response. 

So nervous!

Workin’ with Daddy

My little tomboy heard it was Take Your Kid to Work Day this week. It’s today actually. On Monday Jet asked if he could go to work with daddy at his auto repair shop. He is a mechanic and Jet loves watching him work on cars. So when daddy told Jet he could come to work with him today, Jet was bouncing off the walls. Jet looks up to her dad so much and finally gets to be one of the guys at the shop. 

It is so wonderful to see. 

Jet put on old clothes to get dirty and a baseball cap like the mechanics wear and grabbed a water bottle like dad. They are off at work right now and I can’t wait to see how it went!