Family Support

I’m going to a family support group tonight for adult family members of transgender and gender variant youth. I’m super nervous. I’m not so good in groups but I think it will be nice to meet other parents in similar situations. I have been finding it hard to talk to people about my family and about Jet. They get uncomfortable and mumble something about assumptions and/or not jumping to conclusions.

It’s pretty frustrating.

Needless to say, I don’t talk to people about us very often. If I do, I tend to play it down or keep it light. I’m getting overwhelmed just writing about it. Oh my tomboy chose a new name to go by, which is closer to his real name, but for anonymity’s sake I’m just going to use Jet on here. 

Transactive Playgroup

Tonight I’m taking Jet to our first play group at the program we have joined for trans and gender neutral kids. Jet is so excited! I am too. I am practicing calling him ‘my son Jet’. At home I call Jet by his real name and use female pronouns and I say things like, ‘girls, dinner is ready’. Tonight I must drop all that. I am excited to have this new experience and I know all the families there will be understanding because they are right there with us.

I am slightly nervous I guess. But not in a bad way. Just never done anything like this before. 

Making Connections

I contacted my old coworker/supervisor/good friend about getting advice on how to help Jet through these changes. I was so so nervous to contact her. She is kind of a mentor to me and I have a lot of respect and awe for her. She is so impressive and strong and I feel like I have so much to learn. I’m not easily intimidated but she definitely intimidates me, in a good way. 

So I emailed her. It took a long time to come up with a smart way to ask for help. It was hard to hit send. She has a lot of knowledge about LGBTQ issues and is in a relationship with a person who is FTM. I figure she is the best resource I have. 

I hit send and anxiously awaited her response. She didn’t respond for over a week. I was disappointed and kind of relieved to not hear from her. Then yesterday she emailed back saying she’d love to talk. Eek! I’m nervous! I emailed back saying yes I’d love to. Now I’ve got to wait for her next response. 

So nervous!

Everyday Tasks

I didn’t really think about how having a gender non-conforming kid would affect our everyday tasks. Very simple little things I always took for granted. 

Tasks made complicated by having a girl passing as a boy:

~Taking him into the girls bathroom

~Going to the women’s dressing room

~Shopping for clothes

~Remembering what pronouns to use with whom (public places=he, friends and relatives=she)

~Explaining the haircut

~Explaining why “a boy is wearing girls clothes” when he wears his old shirts

~Explaining why “a girl is wearing boys clothes” when he wears a baseball cap and Tony Hawk outfit in front of friends

~Going to the first day of practice for girls soccer

~Going to the first day of Gymnastics

There are a lot more. I never had to think about this when he was a she. 

Fun at Theme Parks

My husband, the kids and I went to Disneyland for spring break. Needless to say, every person on earth had the same idea. I don’t know what we were thinking, honestly. Probably that this is the only free time we have to travel anywhere, the kids being in school and us adults working.

Anyway, this experience was interesting in many ways. The crowds were painful, the lack of healthy food was annoying, and the earthquake on Friday was just the icing on the cake. But we really did have fun when you take all that away…

My daughter packed up her boy clothes and baseball caps, ready for the trip. When we got there it became apparent that she was going to pass as a “he” for the entirety of the trip. She rather enjoyed this. It was a strange new experience for the rest of us. 

Bathrooms were tricky. She is old enough now that it looks funny to bring someone who appears to be a boy into the girls bathroom. I got a lot of looks and comments. Not necessarily bad, just confusing. Most waiters and park employees referred to her as my son. She liked this. I couldn’t help but realize that my daughter now passes as a boy completely. She no longer resembles a little girl in tomboy clothing. She is a boy. 

Even writing those words sound strange.

After the trip I talked to her about how she felt, living as a boy for a week. She said it was good and, since she “isn’t technically a girl” as she puts it, then its ok. I am still trying to wrap this all around my head. She amazes me with her insight and understanding of who she is. Now I just need to adjust to having a son.

Gender Confusion

( I am going to call my youngest, the tomboy, anna and my oldest rose. I am getting tired of typing out oldest and youngest daughters lol)

The Monday after my daughter’s haircut she went to school stoked about showing it off. She wore her favorite denim outfit and walked confidently into class. My oldest daughter was right there with her for support. I was nervous, more so than I expected to be, but I encouraged her to show it off. It was hard to watch my little girl walk off into the world as a little boy (at least from all appearances). 

I was nervous all day. I thought about emailing her teacher to see how the day went but stopped myself. I wanted to give my daughter a chance to tell me first. When I picked up the girls after school I was happy to see all smiles. Anna told me her guy friends were jealous and loved the spiked hairdo. She said her girl friends were happy for her too. Phew. Rose, however, said her friends asked if she had a little brother. I wasn’t too surprised. I asked how she handled it and she said, “I told them no, that’s my sister!” She didn’t seem upset by it, just a little confused. 

I asked Anna what she thought of it and she said it made her happy! I didn’t fully expect this. She when on to say, “I know it’s not really true mom but I like people thinking I’m a boy. I want rose to tell them I am a tomboy and that I’m just unique!” I was impressed by her ability to express her feelings about it. 

Later in the week she said a boy thought she was a boy in the library and she didn’t correct him. She is seeming to enjoy this androgeny. I am really happy for her and can see her relaxing as time goes on. I asked Rose what she thought of Anna’s new style and she said, “I love it. She looks spunky and I love having a sister that is so completely different than me!” I couldn’t ask for more than that. 

The Boy Section

I took my daughter shopping for socks last week. We started in the girls section but they were all too bright and frilly. She just wanted some black socks. So we wondered into the boys section to find a pack of black, grey and white socks. She was thrilled! She wears them everyday and has tossed aside the pink and purple ones I bought her a few months ago. It’s amazing how accustomed I am to buying girly stuff.

She needs new PJ’s too. So without her I went to the store and browsed the boys clothes. I was surprised to see there are not many boys PJ’s. I guess I’ve never really looked in the boys clothing much and didn’t realize this. I would like to get her more gender neutral or male PJ’s but I’m not sure where to go. Any advice would be helpful!

Those pretty dresses

I was cleaning out my daughters clothing yesterday, tossing the stuff that is too small in a bag for donations. My older daughter, being the typical tween princess fought giving up her flashy stylish outfits, trying to convince me she could still fit in a size eight. (She is ten). When that didn’t work she offered them to my younger daughter who IS eight. In true fashion, she turned them all down except for one with a skull and crossbones on it. They were too bright and girly she said.

After the dresser drawers were done we moved on to the closet full of dresses. Most of them are adorable summer dresses that no longer fit my ten year old but are just right for the younger one. Some are dresses bought specifically for her which she has never worn. Trying her to wear a dress bought by her grandparents was always a struggle. I never forced her to but they are so damn cute on her! I gave her the option to keep them or donate them. She asked me to get rid of them all. No more dresses for her.

This was a lot harder to do than I expected. I kind of prepared myself for this moment, the time she would want to get rid of the girly stuff. Even so, it was hard to end that chapter of her life. The option to dress her in cute summer dresses and watch her dance around in them. That time in her life is over.

As I filled a garbage bag with dresses she started smiling. without prompt from me or her sister she began talking about how she never really liked the girly stuff. She never really liked dresses but just felt like she now understood this and is just so happy to be a tomboy. She talked about how happy she is to be able to dress the way she wants. She doesn’t have to wear anything frilly anymore. She still likes girl shirts with animals on them. She absolutely loves her stuffed animals.  But that is about it.

I feel like this was the next big step in her transformation. It was a tough one but I know she is even happier now.

growing up “girl”

When my daughter was old enough to choose her toys, she always went to the boy section. She wanted superheros, cars, puzzles, and Spiderman. When she learned to speak we would ask her if she was a boy or a girl. She would say she was a boy. We didn’t think much of it, she was just a toddler and was just discovering gender. In preschool her favorite T-shirt had the marvel comic heros on it. She wore it constantly. Lots of girls like cartoon shirts so I dismissed this as well. My older daughter was a ballerina since she was two and a very typical girl. she loved the princess get-up and pink was her favorite color. She wanted long hair and painted nails. My younger daughter wanted her dad’s haircut and the boy tennis shoes. We called her a tomboy. I was still dressing her at this point. Her main supply of clothing came from her older sister so she wore a lot of dresses and pastel shirts. She protested some of the dresses but didn’t put up much of a fight as long as it wasn’t too frilly. She was a loner and played on her own in social settings, very happy to do so. She didn’t really connect with the other little girls. She chose very gender neutral toys.